Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
The problem with Wednesday evening drinking is that no gets to my level. It's like like a one man party. But it's a goood party.
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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