A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
