He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
