I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Barsexuality is the new black.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
