I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
