Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
Randomize
