I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
