I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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