i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
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