How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
