she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
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