True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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