I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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