yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
