i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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