awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Randomize
