Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
