You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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