this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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