If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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