So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
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