I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
