I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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