You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
