There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
