Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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