i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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