i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Randomize
