I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
