you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
