I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
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