i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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