Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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