wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
