I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
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