I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
