dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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