I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Randomize
