yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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