That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
