she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
