i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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