um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
