Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The beer is more important than you right now.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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