Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
