I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
