he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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