He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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