Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
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