Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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